mouth full of blood

mouth full of blood, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

when i was 34 i suffered an ectopic preganancy. the doctor and nurses kept telling me the excruciating pain was a "normal" part of pregnancy. the pain was worse than being in labor. i couldn't walk. finally after about 3 days of this i was diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy. i was devasted. this was going to be our second child and i felt (still do) that after 35 I just wasn't going to have any more children. so losing the baby was very sad for me. i still miss the child that could have been.

in this series i was trying to dress up like frieda kahlo. i really need to work on this idea more but i ran out of time today to continue. maybe i'll get to it over the weekend.

don't look at me i'm not there

don't look at me i'm not there, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

today, well the past 3 days have been hard for me. i went for almost a week without taking my antidepressant and i'm paying for that now. feelings of anxiety, and being afraid are very real and i'm working to tamp that down. also the feeling of hopelessness like my life is never going to get any better. like there will never be good times with my family together. i don't know how much longer i can stand this. i mean i say 'how much longer' but really i have no other choice but to stand it. it sucks. it's like having to take really nasty cough medicine all day everyday and you don't know when you'll ever get to stop taking that fucking medicine. sorry to be so bleak it's just the state of mind i'm in.

i did sell a photograph last night so that was a pleasant surprise. but the first thing i thought, instead of yay i sold a piece of art, i thought great what terrible thing is going to happen to compensate for this little good thing?

i'm so tired. just really tired.

when i was a girl

when i was a girl, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i watched milk tonight and it was such a good movie. what sort of stayed with me and had me thinking was something he said in the movie at the end. how you've got to have hope. that's something i haven't really had in a long time. this year has been so hard for me and i realized that i'm scared to hope, scared that what i hope for will never be. and that is so sad, it makes me sad. how do i hope again? i'm going to be thinking about it.

he doesn't see me

he doesn't see me, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i've been uninspired with my self portraits lately. i only have one expression - sour. and that's gettin old. i try to do weird makeup, use props but i'm still not happy with the end result. i need to get out of this funk! when is the photography fairy going to grant me some new ideas?

as you know

as you know, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

today was a good day overall. we had a little going away party for our intern. i was able to finish my website although i'm not happy with it. i need to sit down and overhaul the entire thing, blog too. i'm so tired tonight i can barely keep my eyes open yet i still want to stay on the computer. i wondered earlier how many hours a day i spend looking at a computer screen...most of my life i think. and i'm not sure why, it's really not that fulfilling yet i spend almost all of my time online.

i bought the leaves at dollar tree and thought it might be fun to use a leaf as a prop for some photos. the images aren't exactly what i was picturing in my head but that is often the case.

my cross eyed baby

my cross eyed baby, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i often participate in utata's iron photographer challenge. i look forward to each one and the possibilities they hold. you have to meet 3 criteria in your photograph to enter. for this challenge i had to have and image, a reflection of that image somewhat desaturated. i immediately thought of shooting my reflection in the bathroom mirror. i wanted to make it appear like the shot was being captured without me knowing.

i've always thought

i've always thought, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i spend so much time in my own head. i'm always thinking and worrying and wondering when the other shoe is going to fall. i wish i could stop the endless chatter in my head. i sometimes see those people who go to church, listen to country music and believe in George Bush and wish i could be cattle like that. just blind faith that everything will be alright 'cause i'm an american, god damnit. i often think life is easier for those kinds of people, people who don't question. my whole life feels like a question. and i never get the answer. WTF.

too hootchie [ 199.265 ]

too hootchie [ 199.265 ], originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i was sitting outside with my daughter and happened to notice my peeling fingernail polish against the red of the can. so i thought it might make an interesting photo, at least the color composition would be cool. i don't know what it is about peeling fingernail polish but i love the way it looks. i'm still wearing the blue polish too!

i gotta live with it [ 194.365 ]

i gotta live with it [ 194.365 ], originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

a friend and i made this tutu and i love playing dress up in it. this was a complete good luck shot -i caught the dog looking up into the camera. i get really good afternoon light from a window in my living room. so i try to make the most of it. i use my bed comforter as a back drop and then set about trying to shoot self portraits. i really wish my daughter was more cooperative and allowed me to shoot her picture!

every man i fall for

every man i fall for, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i shot a whole series with this surprise concept. i was trying to be more conceptual in my self portraits although i'm not usually. i did like the way this one turned out and the b/w tone really works well with the content.

you were the last

you were the last, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

if i had the money i would definitely shoot more analog, but all we have locally are shitty drug store film developing places and i don't like the way the pics turn out. well that's just an excuse really. while i love analog and have tons of analog cameras i still prefer digital for the instant gratification. does that make me shallow?

if you don't love me let me go

if you don't love me let me go, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i gave up smoking years ago when i was pregnant with my daughter. i still enjoy an occasional cigarette though and i love to use a cig as a prop in photos. i belong to a group called utata on flickr and one of the challenges was to take a b/w photo of something that is obviously red. i my original idea was this-the lips being the red item. but i found once i converted it to b/w it didn't really translate. i liked the image though and kept it in color.

drinking coffee [ 178.365 ]

drinking coffee [ 178.365 ], originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

i love my coffee

fly away

i just want to be a little bird and fly fly away.

self portrait

set up my configuration of 2 tripods with the argus on one and the d200 on the other to shoot some self portraits today. i was in a bit of a low mood since i had gotten some pretty upsetting news this morning. more and more i find myself working through things by taking pictures. it really helps somehow.

give me the message

still another mask portrait

private art lessons

continued with the theme of african masks today. i like the symbolism of masks because we all wear them every day. and the idea that without our masks we are truly naked. a mask is sort of like armor, how we protect ourselves.

...well i'm getting all philosophical about it. maybe i should just say i think masks are cool.