i love to put on crazy makeup and shoot pictures. although i'm not a very good model. i find myself getting bored with my expressions. i try to express but i don't think it comes across. i love this pair of false eyelashes. they are so dramatic and fabulous!
23 August 2009
20 August 2009
mouth full of blood
when i was 34 i suffered an ectopic preganancy. the doctor and nurses kept telling me the excruciating pain was a "normal" part of pregnancy. the pain was worse than being in labor. i couldn't walk. finally after about 3 days of this i was diagnosed with ectopic pregnancy. i was devasted. this was going to be our second child and i felt (still do) that after 35 I just wasn't going to have any more children. so losing the baby was very sad for me. i still miss the child that could have been.
in this series i was trying to dress up like frieda kahlo. i really need to work on this idea more but i ran out of time today to continue. maybe i'll get to it over the weekend.
18 August 2009
jibberish
so this one is kind of a stream of consciousness. i kind of want to develop this idea some more. i was writing words i heard on tv and song lyrics combined with just how i was feeling. i also like the idea of using text as a design element (a friend of mine does this kind of design technique a lot) could be i might try it using my blog. hell no one reads it anyway, not like i have to explain myself.
17 August 2009
don't look at me i'm not there
today, well the past 3 days have been hard for me. i went for almost a week without taking my antidepressant and i'm paying for that now. feelings of anxiety, and being afraid are very real and i'm working to tamp that down. also the feeling of hopelessness like my life is never going to get any better. like there will never be good times with my family together. i don't know how much longer i can stand this. i mean i say 'how much longer' but really i have no other choice but to stand it. it sucks. it's like having to take really nasty cough medicine all day everyday and you don't know when you'll ever get to stop taking that fucking medicine. sorry to be so bleak it's just the state of mind i'm in.
i did sell a photograph last night so that was a pleasant surprise. but the first thing i thought, instead of yay i sold a piece of art, i thought great what terrible thing is going to happen to compensate for this little good thing?
i'm so tired. just really tired.
13 August 2009
lovers like us
i discovered through ATCs for All an artist named teesha moore who does these amazing collages. She calls the style zettiology or zetti. so i tried my hand at making a zetti style atc. it was so much fun. i can't wait to try making some more.
11 August 2009
shouldn't have been
i watched a show about a teen aged boy that was bipolar and killed himself when he was 15. it scared me because i can see how out of control it could get.
felt kind of bad today could be because i haven't taken my antidepressant for a couple of days. i'll pick it up tomorrow. no sense in messing around with that!
10 August 2009
red
i've been playing around with ATCs or artist trading cards and made a couple, sent them out in swaps. just getting my feet wet. today i came across a web site specifically for ATC trading. of course i joined and proceeded to look through all the swaps going on. i came across one for mixed media altered photographs. i thought, i can do that and went and did 4 of them tonight. this picture is the first one i tried and i love how it came out. i love really grungy textured art and it's something i can do that doesn't take weeks to finish. at least not so far!
apparently my sister informed my mother that i was bipolar. so mom was all freaking out thinking i hear voices and shit. i had to talk her down and let her know that as long as i take my meds i'm fine. she just looks for reasons to worry about me i think. but i never lost my temper with her which is kudos for me.
overall mood has been much better past couple of days. that high level of anxiety has passed for now but it never stays gone very long.
09 August 2009
when i was a girl
i watched milk tonight and it was such a good movie. what sort of stayed with me and had me thinking was something he said in the movie at the end. how you've got to have hope. that's something i haven't really had in a long time. this year has been so hard for me and i realized that i'm scared to hope, scared that what i hope for will never be. and that is so sad, it makes me sad. how do i hope again? i'm going to be thinking about it.
08 August 2009
he doesn't see me
i've been uninspired with my self portraits lately. i only have one expression - sour. and that's gettin old. i try to do weird makeup, use props but i'm still not happy with the end result. i need to get out of this funk! when is the photography fairy going to grant me some new ideas?
07 August 2009
as you know
today was a good day overall. we had a little going away party for our intern. i was able to finish my website although i'm not happy with it. i need to sit down and overhaul the entire thing, blog too. i'm so tired tonight i can barely keep my eyes open yet i still want to stay on the computer. i wondered earlier how many hours a day i spend looking at a computer screen...most of my life i think. and i'm not sure why, it's really not that fulfilling yet i spend almost all of my time online.
i bought the leaves at dollar tree and thought it might be fun to use a leaf as a prop for some photos. the images aren't exactly what i was picturing in my head but that is often the case.
what do i need
i have a passion for old kodak and polaroid cameras. i compulsively buy them off auction sites. i just love the feel of them. the heaviness and the skill of construction.
my cross eyed baby
i often participate in utata's iron photographer challenge. i look forward to each one and the possibilities they hold. you have to meet 3 criteria in your photograph to enter. for this challenge i had to have and image, a reflection of that image somewhat desaturated. i immediately thought of shooting my reflection in the bathroom mirror. i wanted to make it appear like the shot was being captured without me knowing.
not even that
i love flower but rarely can afford to buy the real ones and i'm afraid i have a brown thumb. i can't grow anything! so instead i buy fake ones and take pictures of them. even though they are fake i still like the way some of the images turn out. like this one. i like it.
i've always thought
i spend so much time in my own head. i'm always thinking and worrying and wondering when the other shoe is going to fall. i wish i could stop the endless chatter in my head. i sometimes see those people who go to church, listen to country music and believe in George Bush and wish i could be cattle like that. just blind faith that everything will be alright 'cause i'm an american, god damnit. i often think life is easier for those kinds of people, people who don't question. my whole life feels like a question. and i never get the answer. WTF.
too hootchie [ 199.265 ]
i was sitting outside with my daughter and happened to notice my peeling fingernail polish against the red of the can. so i thought it might make an interesting photo, at least the color composition would be cool. i don't know what it is about peeling fingernail polish but i love the way it looks. i'm still wearing the blue polish too!
must have lost her
i love dia de los muertos. the symbolism the skulls and skeletons combined with lively colors is really appealing to me. i bought some halloween stuff at the dollar store and decided to shoot some pictures. i like this one with the shadow well defined and the off kilter composition.
tiny spark
i took this pictures through the viewfinder of a linhof camera. this camera is so awesome! i wish i had the nerve (or the money) to load up some film and shoot with it. but even if i did i would need somewhere to develop the film. sometimes i wish i had a darkroom.
06 August 2009
when your book is read
this is my husband. i've loved him since i was 17. our relationship has been so crazy filled with highs and lows. right now we're pretty low i even went as far as meeting a divorce lawyer. but i've changed my mind and we're going to try to stay together. he is a recovering addict and currently lives in a restitution center because he embezzled over $70K from his previous job to support his drug habit. truth is i couldn't imagine living without him. cross your fingers for us.
i gotta live with it [ 194.365 ]
a friend and i made this tutu and i love playing dress up in it. this was a complete good luck shot -i caught the dog looking up into the camera. i get really good afternoon light from a window in my living room. so i try to make the most of it. i use my bed comforter as a back drop and then set about trying to shoot self portraits. i really wish my daughter was more cooperative and allowed me to shoot her picture!
every man i fall for
i shot a whole series with this surprise concept. i was trying to be more conceptual in my self portraits although i'm not usually. i did like the way this one turned out and the b/w tone really works well with the content.
you were the last
if i had the money i would definitely shoot more analog, but all we have locally are shitty drug store film developing places and i don't like the way the pics turn out. well that's just an excuse really. while i love analog and have tons of analog cameras i still prefer digital for the instant gratification. does that make me shallow?
if you don't love me let me go
i gave up smoking years ago when i was pregnant with my daughter. i still enjoy an occasional cigarette though and i love to use a cig as a prop in photos. i belong to a group called utata on flickr and one of the challenges was to take a b/w photo of something that is obviously red. i my original idea was this-the lips being the red item. but i found once i converted it to b/w it didn't really translate. i liked the image though and kept it in color.
he was a hunk
my lovely grandfather who i owe all my photography to. he bought me my first cameras, analog and digital. he turned 89 in may and we're always teasing him about his age. he has a wicked sense of humor and i love him dearly.
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