don't look at me i'm not there

don't look at me i'm not there, originally uploaded by MadSunCaribou.

today, well the past 3 days have been hard for me. i went for almost a week without taking my antidepressant and i'm paying for that now. feelings of anxiety, and being afraid are very real and i'm working to tamp that down. also the feeling of hopelessness like my life is never going to get any better. like there will never be good times with my family together. i don't know how much longer i can stand this. i mean i say 'how much longer' but really i have no other choice but to stand it. it sucks. it's like having to take really nasty cough medicine all day everyday and you don't know when you'll ever get to stop taking that fucking medicine. sorry to be so bleak it's just the state of mind i'm in.

i did sell a photograph last night so that was a pleasant surprise. but the first thing i thought, instead of yay i sold a piece of art, i thought great what terrible thing is going to happen to compensate for this little good thing?

i'm so tired. just really tired.